Often since childhood we have heard from those around us that Self-Love is selfishness and “toxic positivity”. But what if I told you that from a psychological point of view it is the basis of survival, harmony of mind and body and human happiness. It is a fundamental skill that affects all areas of your life: relationships, work, health and even what
Often since childhood we have heard from those around us that Self-Love is selfishness and “toxic positivity”. But what if I told you that from a psychological point of view it is the basis of survival, harmony of mind and body and human happiness. This is a fundamental skill that affects all areas of your life: relationships, work, health and even how we raise our children. Most people eventually realize that they want to love themselves with all their flaws, with flaws, with whims and strange dreams, but they don’t know if it’s right, and if it’s their sincere desire, then where to start.
In this article, I write about how to love yourself in the most practical and scientifically sound way possible, because if conventional methods don’t work, then perhaps science and common sense will help you gradually, step by step, build a healthy relationship with yourself.
Why self-love is the foundation of a happy and peaceful life
Before achieving anything, every living being needs to understand why they need it. This is where the main stimulus comes from – motivation. When we don’t love ourselves and don’t have strong internal motivation, we constantly live in a “not enough” mode, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Not beautiful enough?, successful?, smart?, slim?, useful? . This inner critic takes away energy, destroys relationships and prevents us from living fully.
Motivation in “Self-Love” is not a state where you wake up one morning and suddenly start loving yourself. It is a skill that can and should be practiced. Scientific studies show that people with high levels of self-acceptance have lower stress levels, better relationships, greater resilience to failure, and even stronger physical health.
If you are reading this article right now and thinking, “I’ve tried it before, but it doesn’t work,” you are not alone. Most people take this path for a long time. The main thing is to start with the right approach.
Read also: How the human brain works: 20 amazing scientific facts — to understand why our brain often works against us
Why most people don’t love themselves: (we analyze the reasons to identify the root of the problem)
The reasons, in most cases, usually go back and are rooted in childhood, an upbringing that did not give the child enough confidence at the beginning, resulting in a depressed state in adulthood:
- Conditional love (“I will love you if you are good/successful/obedient”)
- Criticism and language are not only about criticizing the actions of children who often do something wrong, but also criticism when they do not do something “well” or even “perfectly” enough.
- Comparison with other children (the eternal classic that someone is somehow good and everything works out, but why are you “worse”?)
- Lack of emotional support in moments of crisis (betrayal of a loved one, moments of career or other setbacks, etc.)
- Traumatic experience (bullying, rejection)
This also occurs in adulthood, but less frequently:
- Society has not appreciated you or publicly humiliated you because of your excess weight, low performance, problems at work that are your fault, and other things that constantly impose standards of ideality (marriage before 25, business at 30, wealth at 35).
- Social networks, where we only see the “ideal” version of someone else’s life (in reality, a sports car is often rented or on credit, money for show is “living it all – one day”, a white smile and slender legs (photo editor)).
- Perfectionism and the fear of being “not good enough.”
15 scientifically proven signs that you don’t love yourself
You need help and support in rethinking self-love if you notice this in yourself:
- You constantly criticize yourself even for little things.
- It’s hard to accept compliments.
- You often compare yourself to others and feel envious.
- You are afraid to ask for help.
- Tolerate toxic relationships because “it’s better than loneliness.”
- You feel guilty when you relax or do something for yourself.
- It’s hard to set boundaries.
- You often say “sorry” even when you’re not at fault.
- You are afraid to express your opinion.
- You ignore your needs and desires.
- You constantly try to please everyone.
- You feel ashamed of your body or appearance.
- It’s hard to celebrate your own successes.
- You often experience anxiety and a sense of “I’m not enough.”
- You self-sabotage your goals and dreams.
I will note right away that even if you recognized yourself in 5–6 points or almost all of them, this is a normal situation. Most people start their journey from this state. Therefore, you should not be afraid to start, it is better to face the problem in your face to understand what exactly you need to give up and start working on it.
Myths about self-love that Ukrainians still believe in
It is often difficult for us to truly start loving ourselves because the environment in which we grew up formed many terrible labels and myths around it, which still prevent many from starting to solve the problem of self-love:
“Loving yourself is selfishness” – there is nothing wrong with putting your desires first, the society around you only shapes you to be convenient for them, while you give up your individuality.
“First you need to become perfect, and then love yourself” – everyone has their own ideal, there is no standard of the ideal. For example, the figure 90-60-90 as an ideal for all women is the biggest fiction that women subconsciously began to try on themselves, but this is a subjective vision that is imposed by someone’s specific idea of female beauty, in fact, many men do not like to “fight from the bones”, many are against “swimming on soft waves”.
“If I love myself, then I don’t want to change anything” is a superficial instinct to like and love yourself, to consider yourself perfect, beautiful, etc. To think differently is to accept the brand of society and start eating yourself.
“Self-love = constant self-admiration” – there are no comments if this is an argument for someone, because we must first of all accept ourselves as we are.
“It’s just a buzzword, it doesn’t really change anything” – it changes everything, your love for yourself, your suckers, your relationships, your desire to live and create!
In fact, self-love is the ability to respect yourself, accept yourself, and care about yourself just as you care about your loved ones.
How to start loving yourself: an 8-step plan
Step 1. Stop criticizing yourself Replace the phrase “how stupid I am” with “I did the best I could under the circumstances.” With “I’m not perfect, but next time, I’ll do better.”
Step 2. Start keeping a “self-gratitude journal.” Every night, write down 3 things you can praise yourself for.
Step 3. Learn to say “no” without guilt. Because “no” is the same word as “yes” but to yourself. When you say “no” to someone, you are saying to yourself – “yes, I respect myself and my desires.”
Step 4. Practice self-compassion — Christine Neff’s technique .
Step 5. Take care of your body as if it were a friend. And as you know, it is not customary to insult friends for their appearance or criticize them because they did not give their all in the gym. Support them, listen to their problems.
Step 6. Surround yourself with people who support you, rather than finding fault with you or trying to fix you.
Step 7. Set healthy boundaries. This isn’t about shutting yourself off and living alone, it’s about respecting your time and your desires.
Step 8. Celebrate small victories. Reward yourself (it doesn’t always have to be about treats).
Practical exercises to increase self-esteem and self-acceptance
- Exercise “Mirror” – look into your own eyes every day and say kind words. Appreciate the most beautiful little things about yourself.
- A letter to your future self — write to yourself in 5 years. But don’t write about the bad, write about who you will become, how great your potential is.
- The “I am enough” technique — repeat this phrase when self-criticism arises.
- The “Body-Friend” exercise – thank each body part and think about how much worse it would actually be if you didn’t have that body part.
How to set healthy boundaries in relationships and at work
- Learn to say “no” without excuses. Believe me, you will like it!
- Clearly state what is acceptable to you and what is not. Not just in a rude way or an insult, but with an explanation of the roots of “why NO”. For example, “I don’t like it when you take my favorite cup, because it’s a gift from my mother”. You will be understood and even respected for your strength of character.
- Don’t take responsibility for other people’s emotions.
How to stop comparing yourself to others
As cliché as it may sound, don’t look at the picture, it’s always beautiful, what’s important is what’s underneath it, and you’ll never know that. Believe me, even the most perfect picture usually hides pain and suffering.
Read also: How to sleep properly: scientifically proven ways to improve sleep quality
Therefore, move away from this, just focus on yourself, direct this energy towards your development, gym, yoga, fitness, outdoor training, walking, hobbies, so many things where you can start to become stronger, and be in harmony with yourself, without responding to the surrounding “noise”. Also, at the start of your changes:
- Limit your time on social media, unfollow all the “rich and famous” and only follow family and friends.
- Practice gratitude for what you already have. And plan for what you can realistically achieve on your own, without rose-colored glasses.
- Remember: you only see the “show” version of someone else’s life.
The role of the body, appearance, and self-acceptance
Self-love starts with accepting your body. That doesn’t mean you don’t need to take care of your health. It means stopping fighting your reflection in the mirror.
Conclusion
Any transformation is difficult, it takes time and effort. Self-love is not an illusion, it is a real final point, where a constant process of working on yourself is needed only for the “best version of yourself”, and not for the labels of others. Every day you have a choice: continue to criticize yourself or start supporting yourself. Before spreading discontent in your address, tell yourself at least one good phrase out loud about yourself. Do something pleasant for your body. Set at least one boundary where it has already crossed all limits! Right now, write down 3 things for which you appreciate yourself because here you are not like others. And finally: Allow yourself to be imperfect!
